oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need to calm my uterus...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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