So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
