I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize