no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize