Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
