I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
