I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
