saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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