I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
should my penis look like a turkey
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
