I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize