I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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