this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
