Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
