Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
