Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
