oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
