I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
