I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
