I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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