Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
