Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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