She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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