I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
