I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
