how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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