I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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