I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
