just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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