You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im six kinds of drunk right now
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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