i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
