my phone needs a breathalizer
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
