i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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