My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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