Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
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