You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think my fart just growled at me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
