Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
