Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
