I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
