You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
