Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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