I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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