I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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