Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
