I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
