I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
