I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
