She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
