John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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