and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
