...so i touched it.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
