Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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