I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
