i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
