I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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