you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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