dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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