I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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