I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
