If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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