I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
