I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
