I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
