He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Can I color on your dick again?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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