dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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