My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
